LAUGH YOUR WAY TO GOD
Nothing kills the ego more than laughter. If you can laugh at yourself, it is finished. We laugh at others; we never laugh at ourselves. And the person who has learned to laugh at his own being, at his own ridiculousness, is getting out of the game. Laughter is the best way to get out of it.
1. A stubborn old Dubliner stepped into the dentist's office with a terrific toothache. He could not, however, muster up enough courage to have the tooth pulled. So the dentist gave him a glass of whisky to bolster him.
Then the dentist said, 'Right, ready now?'
'Not quite,' said the man smacking his lips.
Two more drinks of whisky and finally he finished up the entire bottle.
'Now step into the chair,' the dentist begged.
The Irishman came out swinging into the middle of the room.
'I would like to see the swine who would dare to touch my tooth now!'
2. The woman bather had got into a hole and she could not swim. Nor could the young man on the end of the pier. But when she came up the first time and he caught sight of her face he could yell, and he did. Just then a big fisherman walked by.
'What is up?' he asked.
'There!' hoarsely cried the young man.'My wife, drowning. I can't swim. A hundred dollars if you save her!'
In a moment the fisherman was in the water; in another he was out of it with the rescued woman.
He approached the young man.'Well, what about the hundred dollars?'
If the young man's face had been ashen-gray before, now it was dead white as he gazed upon the features of the rescued woman.
'Yes I know,' he gasped, 'but when I made the offer I thought it was my wife who was drowning and now, now it turns out it was my wife's mother!'
'Just my luck,' said the fisherman sadly, thrusting his hand into his trouser pocket. 'How much do I owe you?'
3. Two businessmen were relaxing in the clubhouse after a round of golf.
'I don't know why you don't sack your secretary,' said one.'Her typing is atrocious and she spends more time on your private phone than you do. Take away her gorgeous hair, her beautiful eyes, her sensuous lips, her lovely figure, and what have you got?'
The other businessman grunted and said, 'My wife.'
3. Cohen and Goldberg were partners in the dress business. And business was terrible.
A discouraged Cohen announced to his partner that he was going to change his name for good luck.
'From now on,' he said, 'I am O'Brian.'
That night Goldberg decided he would change his name too.
Both men instructed the switchboard operator to answer the phones, 'O'Brian and O'Brian.'
Everything went well until a caller demanded to speak to Mr. O'Brian. 'Which O'Brian do you want?' asked the operator. 'Cohen or Goldberg?'
4. A miserly man was approached by a friend who did his best to persuade him to dress more in accordance with his station in life. 'I'm surprised,' said the friend, 'that you've allowed yourself to become shabby.'
'But I'm not shabby,' said the miser.
'Yes, you are,' insisted his friend. 'Take your grandfather. He was always neatly dressed. His clothes were always well tailored and of the best material.'
'You see!' cried the other triumphantly. 'These clothes I'm wearing ARE grandfather's.'
5. Feingold, on his deathbed, was surrounded by his children. 'Don't worry, Papa, we'll have a big funeral,' declared his eldest son. 'There'll be a hundred limousines, ten cars with flowers.'
'We don't need all that!' interrupted Feingold's second son. 'Fifty limos and five cars with flowers is more than enough!'
'Whatta ya makin' such a big deal?' said the dying man's youngest son. 'We don't need any flowers. We'll just have the immediate family! Two cars is enough!'
At that moment, Feingold raised himself up and said, 'Listen, boys! Just hand me my pants and I'll walk to the cemetery!'
6. Dr. Vogel, the dentist, finished his examination on a pretty young patient. 'Miss Baseman,' he said, 'I'm afraid I'm going to have to pull out your wisdom teeth!'
'Oh, my!' exclaimed the girl. 'I'd rather have a baby!'
'Well,' said Dr. Vogel, 'could you make up your mind so that I can adjust the chair?'