Oshodham & Osho World Galleria : Online Magazine - August 15 to September 15, 2012
Ego Affairs or Love Affairs

[A sannyasin said that since his girlfriend left he feels a hole: I realise that everything I do, I try to turn into an ego trip.]

A good realisation in a way. That's what people go on doing with love-affairs. They are not really love-affairs, they are ego-affairs. People call them love-affairs, that's one thing, but they are not. Love is not such a cheap thing. It is very difficult to attain to love. One has to pass through many transformations. One has to become so pure and ready for it -- only then it happens. All that we call love is nothing but an ego phenomenon.

We go on fulfilling some holes in our being by the other, the object of love. And we go on looking into the other's eyes for our image. So when the lover or the beloved disappears, suddenly there is a hole. Because you miss the mirror in which you could see your face, you miss your face. You don't know now who you are because [your girlfriend] was giving you a definition. She was demarking your boundary -- that this is you -- and she was holding together that definition. In the same way she must be feeling lost because you were functioning as a mirror to her ego.

That is the real problem when lovers separate. They have invested too much in each other. I hat's why many people continue to remain together even though love has disappeared long ago -- they cannot afford to lose the other. Husbands and wives cling, knowing well that now they are clinging to nothing; there is nothing to hold it together. Love has disappeared long ago, or maybe it had not been there in the first place. And they know it, they are aware of it, and they feel miserable about it, but they cannot do anything. A thousand and one times they think to separate, but the very idea of separation brings fear because the image is in the hands of the other. Once the other is no more there, you don't know who you are. Suddenly you lose your identity. You lose your soul, your self. Suddenly everything becomes messy.

Good, that this has happened. This should make you aware. Now you are trying to fill it and there is no way to. This is not the way. You can eat too much; it will not help. It may be just avoiding. The hole is not in the body, so you cannot stuff it with food. You can get involved in too many activities, but the hole is not in the mind either, so activities are not going to help. You can at the most forget it for a few moments when you are occupied; again it will be there staring in your eyes and frightening you.

No, the hole is deeper than your body and mind. You have to understand this hole and you have to start living with it, because the more possible and probable thing is that by trying food, work, activity, this and that, friendships, the club, the movies, the radio, by and by you will see, 'No, these are not the ways to fill it.' Then you will start looking for another woman, and again you will settle. Again this new woman will give you a definition. Then you have missed an opportunity. Again you are in the same trap. Again it will happen in the same way.

This time start living with your aloneness. That is the hole. This time don't try to fill it. Let it be. Difficult, hard, arduous... you will feel very ad, depressed; let it be, but learn to live alone. I am not saying to be alone for your whole life, but first learn to live alone and then find a partner. Then the relationship will be on a totally different plane; it will  not be a mirror. You can live alone, and only then can you love. Then love is no more a neurotic need. It is no more something on which you have to depend for your definition. You can be alone. You know now, without your love, who you are. Love becomes a sharing. Then, because you have, you want to share. Then love is not a need but a luxury. And when love is a luxury, it is beautiful. You follow me?

Something can be a need; then it is ugly because you have to be dependent on it. And you always feel annoyed, angry, because you have to be dependent on somebody. You can never be at ease with anybody if you have to be dependent on him or her, because you know that this is a bondage and your freedom is lost. When you are capable of living alone, happily, joyfully, and the need has disappeared -- you don't have any hole inside and you don't feel lonely, you enjoy your aloneness; it is no more absence of the other, it has become presence of your being -- then you share. Then love is freedom. It is not an imprisonment. It is beautiful and you start growing. If somebody is there to share with you, good. If nobody is there, that too is good.

So this time try to be with your aloneness and don't make these absurd efforts. They can be harmful to the body. Too much eating can be harmful to the body. Too much activity can be harmful to your inner silence, meditation. Too much occupation can be destructive. So don't fill this space; allow it. Feel grateful to [your girlfriend. She gave much to you when she was with you. She is still giving you much now she is gone. She has given you this opportunity to be alone and to see how dependent you have become.

Meditate more because these moments can become very meditative. And don't hanker for any love-affair. Just be. For a few days just enjoy aloneness. And only when you are enjoying it and you are contented, then move into a relationship. And it will be on a different plane, a higher plane. Good.
Dance Your Way to God, Chapter-16